May 2011
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Scars

I spoke to my brother for the first time since my dad died,its probably been 10 years. My brother is 8 years older than I. My mother has been very emotional recently. Not like herself. My brother asked me to call him to talk to me about the situation.

My brother really didn’t even waste time asking me how I’ve been or mention my divorce.  He went straight in and started complaing about mother.  He starts with feigned compassion yet there really is no love or concern in his word or tone.

I have never understood their relationship. Neither one of them has been willing or able to cut the apron strings. They have created this ugliness that passed unhealthy about 10 years ago. Once again they’re trying to drag me into middle to moderate.

I really didn’t have much of a father or mother. My memories of my brother are him yelling or being abusive in one fashion or another.  I really don’t know if my brother has been happy a day in his life. But I know he’s been a bully.

My mother has spent the vast majority of her life trying to placate his anger.

It is an ugly cycle that will repeat until one of them is dead. 

I tried to talk to my brother but his anger and frustration quickly rises the moment I don’t agree with his assessment of the situation.

I refuse to get mixed up with it. I’m still not completely healed from the divorce and I don’t have time or patience for unreasonable angry souls.

I know that even with the death of one of them,there will be no peace.

 

Lavender

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Went to the big comic convention. While dressing my Muse for the steampunk ball I found this satchel on a hanger. I smiled and was mindful of the little things the ex did ,that to this day remind me of her feminine ways.

 

Odd dream

I had this dream about having a long talk with Johannah’s mother. Not sure where we were but it wasn’t a home I recognized. The talk was cordial.  She seemed sad as we talked about life,marriage and such.

Before long her mother turned into a black man wearing a suit yet we still talked about the marriage. We were standing outside on the roof of a downtown building.

I asked him if there was anyway to get Johannah back and he looked at me as he slipped beneath the water of the pool we suddenly were in and said,“I’m sorry to be the one that has to tell you no.”

I felt sad but ok with it.

 

Gus Rampant

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Work Day

I just had an excellent meeting. I rocked. I knew my data.  I was able to show how my work was relevant to the work being bid on.

Hopefully this will be my ticket out of Houston.

Now I need to just get some vacation.

 

So true . . .

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.

~Kahlil Gibran

 

A Rolling Stone Sunday

Went out to see Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas last night. A fun film save the next to last scene with the poor waitress that turns the film into a downer. 

The drive home I put on some Rolling Stones. Nice mellow music but still rock n roll.

Sunday was nice. I cleaned while listening to the Stones,cleaning has become my habit as cleaning keeps me from spending money on silly things.

Cleaning I realize how often my ex must have battled dust in our home. Seems like just last week I swept up the house and here I am sweeping enough dog hair to make a new dog. The odd thing,I think a lot of that hair still belongs to Nick and Nora who I haven’t seen since last April.

I miss Nick and Nora but I’m glad they’re with their mother.  Nick was an especially fine dog and Nora was a lovable grump.  My very own Gus is a lovable lout who likes to lay on the sofa with me and watch hockey. Despite his short fur he still manages to drag a lot of dirt into the house.

Sunday has become shopping day.  I go to Sam’s Club and buy my food for the week. This week I again BBQ’d four chicken breasts and some beef for meals.  I’ve been enjoying taking my own meals and besides saving money I seem to be losing weight. It doesn’t hurt that I’m cutting out the sodas at lunch.

All and all it has been a good day. I got some things done,played some xbox and talked with some friends. All and all I’m pretty lucky.

I wish I had something more profound to say here. I’m just rambling. I’m getting used to the empty house. I guess its the emptiness in my heart that’s going to take longer to get used to.

Good night my loved ones.

 

Pink iPod

This morning,I found an old pink iPod.

I put it into the Bose Sound System and selected random.  Some of the loveliest music I’ve heard in a long time began to play,classic jazz and blues.  Her music.   A languid version of Smoke Gets In Your Eyes was the first song.  I have such warmhearted memories of the San Francisco apartment and that music playing through our house.  I took a moment to breath and soak it in. It’s bitter sweet music.  It reminds me of better times when we had the world by the tail.  I can still remember our dances in the living room and later in our kitchen in our new home here in Texas.  Life moves on,but at that moment that music transported me back to happier days.

 

Todays Reason to be Happy

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I’m saving money to pay off debt then take a vacation.

 

Thank you Houston

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I had an excellent day. Thanks to everyone involved.